Filk: 18th Century Cell Block European Tango

[selenak]

cahn dared me to do this, and I dare say it's funnier when you know the 18th century history as well as the Cell Block Tango from the musical Chicago, but I thought it might amuse some readers, so, here we go, my first filk effort since at least a decade. If you've wondered how the Seven Years War came to be, well, here's one version...



Chorus: Rhyme, List, Squish, Uh Uh, Silesia, Kolin
And now, the three Ladies of European Power and two of their offsprings
In their rendition of the 7 Years War
Rhyme, List, Squish, Uh Uh, Silesia, Kolin
Rhyme, List, Squish, Uh Uh, Silesia, Kolin
Rhyme, List, Squish, Uh Uh, Silesia, Kolin
Rhyme, List, Squish, Uh Uh, Silesia, Kolin
He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same
Rhyme, List, Squish, Uh Uh, Silesia, Kolin
Rhyme, List, Squish, Uh Uh, Silesia, Kolin

Marquise de Pompadour: You know how people have these little habits
That get you down? Like Frederick.
Frederick liked to write bad poetry.
No, not write: spew.
So, I’m coming home from Versailles one day,
And I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy,
And there's this Berlin letter.
All about how Fritz has been joking about my love life again.
No, not joking, rhyming.
So, I said to him, I said
"You abuse the French language one more time", and he did.
So, I took the offer from the Austrians about an alliance,
And I tore up the treaty with Prussia – into shreds.

Chorus: He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it
I betcha you would have done the same

Czarina Elizabeth I. of Russia: I heard from Frederick first a few years ago
When he told me to lock up his brother-in-law, and we hit it off right away.
So, we started out as allies.
He'd invade Austrian territory, I’d kick out the Austrian envoy.
I'd marry my nephew to his general’s kid.
And then I found out.
"Respect", he told me
Respect, my ass.
Not only was he trash-talking me, oh no, he published a list of my lovers.
And he didn’t even get them right, you know
So next thing, when I got an offer from the Austrians
I rewrote the lines of our relationship.
You know, some guys just can’t shut their gob.

Chorus: He had it coming, he had it coming
He took a flower in it's prime
And then he used it and he abused it
It was a lang grab but not a crime

Empress Maria Theresa: Now, I'm ascending to the throne in 1740,
learning on the job, since my Dad never taught me.
Being pregnant with my fourth kid.
In storms bloody Frederick in a greedy rage.
"You hand over Silesia", he says
He was winning, and he kept on invading
"You hand over Silesia"
And then he ran into my push back.
He ran into my push back three times.

Chorus: If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same.

Peter III. of Russia: Wie bin ich bloss in diese Lage gekommen? Meine Tante hat mich adoptiert, und als ihr Nachfolger war ich auf einmal im Krieg mit Fritz. Aber das will ich nicht. Ich bin Preußen-Fan! Ich weiß nicht, warum die Russen mich für verrückt erklären, nur weil ich die Seiten wechsle und Fritz damit Herrschaft und Leben rette. Ich hab’s versucht, meiner Frau zu erklären, aber die versteht mich nicht.

Emperor Joseph II: Yeah, but did you have to do it?

Peter III.: Uh uh, not guilty.

Chorus: He had it coming!

Comments

[reverancepavane]

Huzzah!

[cahn]

omg this is the BEST and I was grinning *so hard* the whole time reading this :D It is hilarious but also... sort of cathartic to have everyone going "He had it coming"? :D

No, not joking, rhyming.

HAHAHAHA I can just hear her say this with emphasis like in Cell Block Tango :D

And he didn’t even get them right, you know

WAIT, did I know this story? If so I think I might need to hear it again! (I think you guys told me about Elisabeth and Fritz pretty early on in salon, anyway... It's been a while! :D )

And then he ran into my push back.
He ran into my push back three times.

AHAHAHAHA If I had been there maybe I would have done the same, MT :D <3

Ich bin Preußen-Fan!

...this made me laugh! Oh Peter.

Oh man, I kiiiiind of reeeeally want to try to recite/sing this, but I am so terrible at accents. (But it would be so amazing in the respective accents! Well, actually I sort of envision MT as the usual Chicago accent just to make it funnier.)

[selenak]

It is hilarious but also... sort of cathartic to have everyone going "He had it coming"? :D

I know, and well, he did!

I'm glad you approve of "rhyming". When I pondered which lady would get which part of the song, Pompadour/Fritz' (bad) satiric poetry to the gum chewing' guy's murderess immediately came into my mind. :)

List of Elizabeth's lovers: here I had to came up with something that fit with the speech parameters, and "repeatedly called me a whore" wasn't it. Otoh, the brother-in-law bit is quite real - that was EC's brother Anton Ulrich, married to Anna Leopoldovna whom Elizabeth had deposed in her coup and locked up with his and her kids at the end of the Russian world, which Fritz did advise her to.

MT getting the "ran into my knife", err, push back lines had been equally clear to me from the start. :)

[maidenjedi]

This was a joy to read 😊

[selenak]

I'm glad to hear it!

[mildred_of_midgard]

Hahaha! I'm in the rare position of knowing the history but not the musical (had never heard of it, didn't realize you were riffing off of anything until your second comment, where you produced a rhyming line, and I concluded it was probably some musical), but I still found it funny.

I read the German! I had to slow way down to do it, but I did!

"You abuse the French language one more time", and he did.

I'm laughing so hard. Of course he did!

He ran into my push back three times.

MT, not taking anything lying down!

aber die versteht mich nicht.

Lol, Peter, well...

This was great, thanks so much for writing it. We should immortalize it in Rheinsberg!

[selenak]

:) Well, here is the song in its original version, so you can get the full flavor of how my version would be sung. (And you can see what cahn meant about the Chicago accents. I'm glad it still worked for you even without this musical background!

(ETA: same song, different production.

[avrelia]

That was amazing and hilarious!

I do feel a little bit bad about Peter III. but not too much. I mean, nobody did.

[selenak]

He has his fans now, but yeah, pretty much. Of the contemporaries, I think Andrew Mitchell, who was the British envoy to Prussia during the 7 Years War, gave the fairest assessment in his report home after the first post-coup chat with the Russian envoy, when he wrote on August 6th, 1762

I think it unnecessary to repeat the account he gave me of the late revolution, nor of the death of the Emperor, which happened the 17th July, on the road to Slusselburg— a fortress — where he was to be imprisoned, and which, it is said, was occasioned par une cholique hemeroidale, to which his Imperial Majesty was subject, but which was increased by his intemperance; nor shall I mention the reports which have been spread of the Emperor's intention to poison his wife, and to marry his mistress the Countess Elizabeth Woronzow, who, it is said, is with child, for this unfortunate Prince is even charged with a design of altering the succession, in prejudice to his own son and in favour of this unborn child; all those reports, and many others not worth mentioning, seem to me highly improbable, and greatly exaggerated in order to justify the late revolution (for which a reason must be given to the people). His real crime was a contempt for the nation he was to govern, which he showed too openly on every occasion, and thereby made himself a number of enemies; add to this, infinite conceit of himself, imagining that he was capable to execute every project which Peter the Great had formed, and that by a servile imitation he was instantaneously to become as formidable a warrior as the King of Prussia, whom he had chosen for his model. His bad conduct with regard to his wife, his natural weakness and levity and precipitation with which he acted in the most important affairs, afforded more than sufficient handles for his destruction, without supposing him either criminal or malicious, yet hints of this kind are thrown out by authority, but do not acquire thereby any degree of credibility.