Parenting Lessons

[selenak]

As I found out via reading dollsome's journal, Jack Bristow, Irina Derevko and Arvin Sloane have been nominated by some teenage online poll as "best parental unit". All three together as the same unit, mind. (Yay OT3!) While I'm all for recognition for my dearest First Generation Spies, this particular category struck me as, err, original. For them. Given, you know, their track record. With that in mind, I bring you:

ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT PARENTING, I LEARNED FROM THE SPYPARENTS AND UNCLE ARVIN



a) Early Childcare

- naming your daughter after a city, be it Australian or Italian, is cute; naming her after your best friend is cuter

- send your daughter to piano lessons; it offers opportunities for bonding early on and later gives you the chance to drop cryptic hints about decoding

- when you drop out of your daughter's life for professional reasons while she's still very young, make sure she assumes you are dead; that way, she idolizes you instead of assuming you're a cold-hearted bastard

- if you brainwash your daughter as part of a government project, make sure your ex does not find out about this

- if you have communication problems with your child, encrypting her crossword puzzles is a good way to show you care, and besides, it will be helpful to her later in life


b) She's a Big Girl Now: Boyfriends

- they are unworthy of your daughter in any case, so make them quiver in their boots with withering sarcasm

- or you could tell them to impress you; this will make them quiver even more

- if they start telling you about your daughter's sexual habits, shoot them on the spot

- except when they do this while being wired and in conversation with your daughter


c) Getting over Enstrangement

- a shared dinner always helps; not showing up for dinner does not

- nor does injecting her with green goo

- on the other hand, organizing a birthday dinner for her and making a toast is acceptable

- travelling together offers plenty of opportunity to see new things, meet new people, shoot new people and save each other's lives

- shooting your daughter the first time you meet her as an adult certainly leaves an impression

- framing your ex for attempted murder in order to prevent your daughter from bonding with her might be going a tad too far

- whereas defending her mother while drawing pointed parallels between her mother and yourself is good strategy and makes you look noble

- declaring your love when she's listening in another room is always effective

- so is giving her jewelry (earrings, medaillons...); it can always double as a bug communication device


d) Catchy Phrases

- "She is my daughter"

- "I've waited for this for twenty years"

- "My daughter is not an artifact"

- "Truth takes time"

- "Trust me"

- "Everything morally questionable I did, I did for my daughter"

- "I need you to have faith in me"

- "You may not see me on your wedding day; but I will see you"

- "Sweetheart"


e) And in conclusion:

- saving your daughter's life has top priority over everything else

- except saving the world.

Comments

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

- nor does injecting her with green goo

I enjoyed all of this very... uh, practical advice, but that one's priceless. *G*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

As I said, the parent-child interactions on this show get highly original at times.*g*

[buffyannotater.livejournal.com]

Awesome! :-)

This is my favorite:

when you drop out of your daughter's life for professional reasons while she's still very young, make sure she assumes you are dead; that way, she idolizes you instead of assuming you're a cold-hearted bastard

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Glad you like. And well, it's true.*g* Jack wasn't the only one who had "Laura" on a pedestal, and I think part of his paranoid reaction in early season 2 regarding the Irina-Sydney interaction was the impression that Sydney had loved the idea of her dead mother more than her often absent father...

[kangeiko]

e) And in conclusion:

- saving your daughter's life has top priority over everything else

- except saving the world.

Bwahahahahahaha! (I shouldn't laugh, because it is Tragic Moment (tm), but... oh, man, piceless!!!!!!)

Also, how much do I dig the OT3-ness? Muchly, yes.

(words went kablooey)

*g*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Hey, I specialize in doing this to Moments That Make Me Cry - did you read my Very Special Babylon 5 Episode Guide (http://www.livejournal.com/users/selenak/123580.html)?

Re: *g*

[kangeiko]

Yes! And just as snicker-worthy.

It's funny 'cause it's true...

[artaxastra.livejournal.com]

I shall endeavor to take this advice to heart in my parenting. I'm sure the Very Small Person will profit immensely!

[selenak.livejournal.com]

If you're very good about this, you will have a bona fide superspy at your hands in a few years!

[psychme.livejournal.com]

*is dead with amusement* Laughed out loud at several parts of that.

Things I especially enjoyed:

- framing your ex for attempted murder in order to prevent your daughter from bonding with her might be going a tad too far

- if they start telling you about your daughter's sexual habits, shoot them on the spot
- except when they do this while being wired and in conversation with your daughter

- declaring your love when she's listening in another room is always effective

- "My daughter is not an artifact"

Bwah! What an awesome post. So adding this to my memories for days in which I could use a pick me up.

And you're right; the inclusion of the Unholy Trinity in that poll is strange, but I do love them so, and I voted for them anyway. *g*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Glad to amuse.*g* And my love for them made me vote as well, despite the, err, qualifications.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

- saving your daughter's life has top priority over everything else

- except saving the world.

Oh, God. ::sniffles:::

Those are fab.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

*curtsies*

Thank you.

[andraste]

Hee. See, we can all learn from the SpyParents and Uncle Arvin. At least about what not to do. Especially liked:

- naming your daughter after a city, be it Australian or Italian, is cute; naming her after your best friend is cuter

Because it's so true.

- nor does injecting her with green goo

You would think this would go without saying, but no.

- framing your ex for attempted murder in order to prevent your daughter from bonding with her might be going a tad too far

Heh. Yes, Jack learned that the hard way ...

- saving your daughter's life has top priority over everything else

- except saving the world.

*sob*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

So we can, so we can.*g* Glad you liked it.

[mylexie.livejournal.com]

This is really hilariously funny! *dies*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

*bows*

[kiaforrest.livejournal.com]

WHERE was this list when I was a New Parent?
::sigh:: It's too late, I've done it All Wrong - my children are obviously doomed to be minions of good & evil, nothing more.

Perhaps midwives should carry this with them - as a handout - for young parents?

::giggling and cleaning iced tea off the keyboard::

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Alas yes, your children are doomed to a fate of normalcy. They shall never be superspies and Chosen Ones. *g*

[kiaforrest.livejournal.com]

I really don't know how I am going to live with the *angst* of this! The Woe! I may have to come up with some conspiracy theory to explain myself to my children, later, when they realize what I've Not done.
::grin::

[dollsome.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! Oh, Lordy, that is brilliant beyond all reason. Let's hope that everyone voting in the Teen Choice Awards takes this list into account. ;-)

[selenak.livejournal.com]

It should be the campaign manifesto.*g*

[gianna24.livejournal.com]

Wie lustig!

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Die Zusammenstellung hat mir sehr viel Spaß gemacht.*g*