Keith Mars Agony Columm!

[selenak]

My cold has become nastier, so, in need for some whimsical distraction, I first did the

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Then I decided, together with ashylogic, that Keith Mars should earn some additional income writing an advice columm for parents and their wayward offsprings. Here are some examples of his sage advice over the last two or three years we came up with. Slight spoilers for Angel, BTVS and Veronica Mars (first season).

Dear Father Mars,

I caught my teenage son having sex with my almost girlfriend. Is there a way to handle this that doesn't include chaining him in the basement to teach him don't touch Daddy's things? Is there a way to handle this that does include chaining her in a basement?

Signed, one step closer to my beige persona

ps oh crap she's pregnant


Dear Beige,

Talking as someone whose wife has been cheating on him for a while and who is uncertain about whether his daughter didn't have sex with her half brother: It could be worse. Get a grip on yourself. And make sure to teach your son about contraception next time.

Dear Father Mars

My prodigal son has returned to me. I'm a little irritated with him both due to his obnoxious personality and the fact he was involved with my ex-girlfriend and totally stole my pendant to save the world to try and win her heart. He refuses to stop annoying my friends and he doubts my threat to hang him by his tongue to greet the sunrise is a truthful one. Honestly he's probably just find a way to return from the dead again anyway (he stole that from me and my sire by the way, we perfected the coming back from the death thing). Any advice on how to deal with him as he's currently 128 years old and showing no signs of outgrowing his rebellious teenage years.

signed exasperated sire.


Dear Exasparated Sire,

Looks like your boy just needs some paternal attention. A good role model. Maybe he's trying to ask for just that by imitating you so much? Anyway, just give him something sensible to do. Put him to community work. Maybe he'll save the world again?

Dear Father Mars,

the stars have been telling me you are wise. How can I free Daddy of the nasty soul? Grandmummy is gone, too. And Willy is all filfthy with love of the Slayer.

Signed, Princess Alone

Dear Princess alone,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your Grandmother. Any time we lose a relative it's natural to feel alone. Perhaps your father is feeling the same way. I'd suggest you talk to him about how you're feeling. Perhaps the two of you could share memories of your grandmother and it will be a way for both of you to grow closer as you honor her memory. Slayer is probably like most rock bands so I'm sure Willy's attention for them will wane once the band breaks up.

Comments

[ashylogic.livejournal.com]

Clearly we shouldn't be left alone when we're both fighting colds. *g*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Clearly.*g*

[ion-bond.livejournal.com]

Wah ha ha! I'd love to see Dru try to talk to souled!Angel about her memories of Darla.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Me too.*g*

[kathyh]

Looks like your boy just needs some paternal attention. A good role model. Maybe he's trying to ask for just that by imitating you so much?

Bwahaha...

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Exactly.*g*

[buffyannotater.livejournal.com]

Hee, excellent, Simon's my favorite character!

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Just speaking from an lj aquaintance, I can totally see you as Simon.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

*giggle*

Awesome.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

I thought you might like it.*g*

Hee! You're funny.

[honorh.livejournal.com]

Of course, it's also Way Too Early o'clock, so it's possible I'm overreacting, but no, I really think you're very funny.

I note I'm not on your crew, which I find very disappointing. Can I be the uber-cool bounty hunter that boards one night and has a very bad time of it?

I try my humble best *g*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

And yes, absolutely, sign on as Jubal Early!

[meganinhiding.livejournal.com]

Bwahaha! This reminds me your post on childraising tips learned from Alias. I would love to see the fanged four go through family therapy.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

And they'd even have an Aurelius line therapist - Holden, whom Spike sired!

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

I love these. *hearts*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Thanks.*g*

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

Hee, I love this idea. You should make Keith do more agony columns..he gives some damn fine advice, even if he is a little confused about the rock band..

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

Hee, I missed this when you first put it up.

You totally need to do a Keith Mars-advises-the-crew-of-Galactica edition. In the vein of which, I offer this meme-post, which hypothesizes a Logan Echolls/Lee Adama body swap: what if? (http://anomilygrace.livejournal.com/262115.html#cutid1)

[selenak.livejournal.com]

LOL. Lee/Logan body swap has to be!

And I'll think about Keith/Galactica.*g*