Parenting Lessons

As I found out via reading dollsome's journal, Jack Bristow, Irina Derevko and Arvin Sloane have been nominated by some teenage online poll as "best parental unit". All three together as the same unit, mind. (Yay OT3!) While I'm all for recognition for my dearest First Generation Spies, this particular category struck me as, err, original. For them. Given, you know, their track record. With that in mind, I bring you:

ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT PARENTING, I LEARNED FROM THE SPYPARENTS AND UNCLE ARVIN



a) Early Childcare

- naming your daughter after a city, be it Australian or Italian, is cute; naming her after your best friend is cuter

- send your daughter to piano lessons; it offers opportunities for bonding early on and later gives you the chance to drop cryptic hints about decoding

- when you drop out of your daughter's life for professional reasons while she's still very young, make sure she assumes you are dead; that way, she idolizes you instead of assuming you're a cold-hearted bastard

- if you brainwash your daughter as part of a government project, make sure your ex does not find out about this

- if you have communication problems with your child, encrypting her crossword puzzles is a good way to show you care, and besides, it will be helpful to her later in life


b) She's a Big Girl Now: Boyfriends

- they are unworthy of your daughter in any case, so make them quiver in their boots with withering sarcasm

- or you could tell them to impress you; this will make them quiver even more

- if they start telling you about your daughter's sexual habits, shoot them on the spot

- except when they do this while being wired and in conversation with your daughter


c) Getting over Enstrangement

- a shared dinner always helps; not showing up for dinner does not

- nor does injecting her with green goo

- on the other hand, organizing a birthday dinner for her and making a toast is acceptable

- travelling together offers plenty of opportunity to see new things, meet new people, shoot new people and save each other's lives

- shooting your daughter the first time you meet her as an adult certainly leaves an impression

- framing your ex for attempted murder in order to prevent your daughter from bonding with her might be going a tad too far

- whereas defending her mother while drawing pointed parallels between her mother and yourself is good strategy and makes you look noble

- declaring your love when she's listening in another room is always effective

- so is giving her jewelry (earrings, medaillons...); it can always double as a bug communication device


d) Catchy Phrases

- "She is my daughter"

- "I've waited for this for twenty years"

- "My daughter is not an artifact"

- "Truth takes time"

- "Trust me"

- "Everything morally questionable I did, I did for my daughter"

- "I need you to have faith in me"

- "You may not see me on your wedding day; but I will see you"

- "Sweetheart"


e) And in conclusion:

- saving your daughter's life has top priority over everything else

- except saving the world.