Homer, you loser!

[selenak]

Okay, not that I make a habit of publishing my private correspondances (says she, eying her growing collection of material for OBSESSION - Fandom Exposed, ISBN No. forthcoming) , but this was too good not to share it with the world at large. Talking about films to look forward to, yours truly and a British friend, distinguished in this journal only by her initials of K.H., could not help but observe that Troy (currently directed by Wolfgang Petersen, starring, among others, Orlando Bloom as Paris, Sean Bean as Odysseus and Brad Pitt as Achilles) is already causing squeals of delight in the slasher world, with not a single scene know. Not to mention the problem that Homer doesn't give much interaction to these gentlemen. Which led to the following exchange:

K.H: I can just imagine the epics written about the doomed love of Paris/Achilles or Paris/Odysseus. Orlando Bloom is just too pretty for the mental health of the female fannish population *g*.

Me: Snerk. Obviously, yes. And LOL about the doomed love of Paris/Achilles or Paris/Odysseus. Now why didn't Homer think of that one?

K.H: He was too busy trying to make some angsty drama out of Achilles/Patroclus and all he could come up with to do it was one silly slave girl and some sulks. Any fan writer worth their salt could tell him that the mortal enemies thing would work so much better. Now in my version Paris is shipwrecked on the shores of Ithaca (or wherever Achilles happened to be at the time - wasn't he dressed up as a girl?), loses his memory, falls madly in love with Odysseus/Achilles, but then remembers who he is and must go off and do his princely Trojan duty in stealing Helen. Alas, alack, this puts him and his one true love on the wrong side in the war and he's saddled with Helen to boot. Cue angst, mortal enemy sex, much moping and pining and Evil Helen (a chance for female character bashing) trying her hardest to betray the lovers. And Homer missed all these chances. The man was an amateur I tells ya!

She's absolutely right, of course. KdS over at All Things Philosophical also found a classic author lacking, in this case Shakespeare, and discovered one of his lost works: The Tragedy of Buffy, Slayer of Sunnydale.



In other news, thanks to pandarus I found out how to create my very own Middle-Earth Mary Sue epic instantly, here.



Chapter One

Elektra Demora sighed heavily as she threw her velvet cloak to the floor. Feisty anger flashed in her Green eyes. 'Curse you father!' she muttered to herself under her breath. 'An arranged marriage! How could you do this to me... your only daughter! Have you no care for my own happiness?' She flopped over onto her soft Silk-sheeted bed and glanced around at the empty room. Tears began to flood her eyes and roll softly down her porcelain cheeks. 'I cannot marry another,' she said in a voice no louder than a whisper. 'I cannot, for my true love is Boromir.'

Standing, Elektra Demora walked solemnly to the window that overlooked the city of Minas Tirith. The sun was just setting for the night, casting a golden glow over the countryside. But the beauty of the scene touched not Elektra Demora's heart, for it was saddened by the news that had been given to her only hours before. She was to be married to Aragorn, who was a close personal friend of her father's. She had been given no say in this matter- it was arranged behind her back. And there was no turning away from it now. Tomorrow, she would leave for Gondor to meet her future husband. And the day following, they would be wed.

Elektra Demora clutched at the windowsill until her knuckles turned white, and she wept bitter tears. How could this be happening? All her life, she had been happy and carefree, and now this trouble... What had she done to deserve such a fate? Slowly, and with the blur of tears still in her vivid Green eyes, she paced about her bedroom. All she could think of now was Boromir, and how the news would break his heart.

They had met two summers ago in Rohan, when Elektra Demora had gone for a ride in the country with her mother and sisters. But when Elektra Demora had strayed off the path to follow an adorable baby Cat, she had become separated from her family and hopelessly lost. Then out of nowhere a band of orcs had appeared to attack her. By some stroke of luck, she happened to have her father's Chakram hidden secretly within the folds of her skirt. But though she managed to kill Seven of the foul creatures, she was soon outnumbered.

Then just as she though her life would be ended, a beautiful dream-like vision appeared before her. The deadly warrior who had come to her rescue, a handsome Human, quickly killed off the remaining Eleven orcs with his Staff before rushing to Elektra Demora's side.

It was love at first sight. The moment she looked into his sparkling Blue eyes, Elektra Demora knew there would never be any other for her. 'My name is Boromir,' he said in a voice soft as the summer wind. Tenderly, he put a hand on her Breast to make sure she was alright. 'Are you hurt, my lady?' he asked.

'No,' she replied. In truth there was a bad cut on her Toes, but she didn't want to worry Boromir. 'And my name is Elektra Demora.'

'Elektra Demora,' Boromir repeated. He said the name as if savouring the sound of it on his tongue. 'That is a beautiful name, fit for so beautiful a lady.'

Elektra Demora blushed coyly. She could feel his eyes wandering over her body, from head to foot, as he took in the sight of her laying on the grass. In truth, she was beautiful. Unusually so, some said. Her father came from the line of Elves of Hobbiton, while her mother was born into a lordly house of Men in Rivendell. The blending of the two races came together perfectly in Elektra Demora, giving her an exotic look that few males found they could resist. Large almond-shaped bright Green eyes were framed perfectly by shimmering waves of thick Violet hair that fell to her waist. A Emerald-encrusted mithril pendant hung ever from her slender white neck, accentuating the delicate frame of her collarbone.

Suddenly, Elektra Demora and Boromir were interrupted by a wild cry that signified more orcs still lurked nearby. 'Come,' said Boromir as he hurried Elektra Demora to her feet. 'It is not safe to linger here. You must come with me, and hurry!' Taking Elektra Demora's hand, he hastened away from the sound. Elektra Demora did her best to keep up with him, but the pain in her Toes was too great.

'My lady!' gasped Boromir when he saw her lagging behind. 'You are injured!' Immediately he sat her down to examine the wound. Blood had already started to soak through her gown in an ugly red stain. 'I must tend to this wound now as best I can,' he said. 'We will find a healer later, but for now this cannot wait.' Without a second thought, he pulled off his Coat and began tearing it into bandages for Elektra Demora's Toes.

With this makeshift bandage in place, Elektra Demora and Boromir were able to hurry on their way. The cries of orcs were ever-present behind them, but they ran swiftly. Soon, Elektra Demora found herself in front of a small cabin, which she guessed must belong to Boromir. He held the door open as he stepped inside, beckoning for her to follow him. 'Come in,' he said. 'We will be much safer in here.'

Elektra Demora took a deep breath as she stepped toward the cabin door. Here she was, a young virgin noblewoman, about to be alone in a cabin with someone she had just met. It was true he was the most handsome Human she had ever seen, and he had just saved her life, but were his true intentions that noble? And what would her family, especially her father, say once they found out where she had been? Elektra Demora had half a mind to run back home right then, but as she heard the clamour of orcs drawing nearer once more, she realised she had no choice. She steeled her will and followed Boromir into the cabin, shutting the door firmly behind her.