Ask Buffy (DW/BTVS silliness)

[selenak]

Being the result of an email exchange between yours truly and kathyh in which we agreed that Buffy's season 7 experience as a high school counsellor clearly qualifies her to play agony aunt to Time Lords. This is what we came up with. Clearly, despite Real Life hunting us down, we have too much time on our hands.




Dear Sunnydale Exile,

He: was great when we were in school together, then turned into a sanctimonious prick for a while. I just had to get him out of this lifestyle, so I did the occasional gatecrashing, abducting and hypnotizing the yes-men and floozies he keeps hanging out with, and I kept trying to take over the universe just so he could have a bit of fun by foiling me.

I: am not a stalker, just so that's clear. He said repeatedly he looks forward to seeing me again, kept stealing my sandwiches and just needs to admit this goody goody two shoes attitude he strikes to impress his groupies is out of date.

Now: I'm thinking using his favourite species to take over the world, model myself in his image and finally, when he admits to needing me, breaking his hearts. Do you think he'll get the message then?

Eagerly awaiting your answer,

Born to be King

Dear Born to be King

Have you tried actually telling the object of your affection how you feel? I'm not big with the talking myself and understand how hard that "I love you" speech can be (and don't get me started on the guy who said that I didn't - we had flaming hands! What more does he need? A bloody poetic declaration??) Um...sorry, where was I? Can we say I have a few issues. Back to your problem: it just seems to me that your methods of attracting his attention are maybe a little over the top. Boxes of chocolate work just as well as universal destruction you know. Personally I'm really against the idea of using his favourite species to take over the world. World takeovers never end well, and I might have to come out of retirement to stop you, which would be sucky for both of us, particularly you. Don't you think that a night out at the cinema followed by a meal at his favourite restaurant might be less stressful for both of you. I know Mortal Enemy sex is amazing, but at the moment you're not getting any so maybe you ought to settle for sex of the more conventional kind. Also modelling yourself in his image is not exactly healthy behaviour either. Just be yourself and I'm sure he'll soon come round if there's any chance for you at all. You must also face the fact that sometimes things just aren't meant to be so do check if he's pissed off any gypsies before you declare undying love.

Hoping to hear how you get on

Sunnydale Exile

P.S. I don't know why you sent your letter to Scotland. Someone must have got their wires crossed because my current address is a palazzo in Rome, not a castle in Scotland!

Dear Sunnydale Exile,

It's one of those world in peril situations, but then I'm always in those, and I just need to talk to someone who doesn't know me. A… person whom I've known for most of my life and thought dead has just turned out not to be. It looks like he's involved in yet anotherscheme to imperil a lot of people and mess with my life, and I really would like to change this pattern in our relationship, for various reasons. Now, I DID yell "everything has changed" and "we're the only ones" at him, but I don't think he got the message as he took off and then GOT MARRIED. So, what I'd like to know is:

a) Once we've done the usual he-tries-to-take-over-the-world, I-foil-him thing, how do I stop him from continuing in this way without killing him? His gig always imperils a lot of people, and I'd rather he didn't. I'm prepared to make sacrifices, of course. I've always been a wanderer, but do you think if I did something radical and proposed to settle down together, it would work?

b) Would it be very unethical of me to destroy someone's marriage? I'm usually not a homewrecker, despite what certain mothers of my travelling companions might claim.

Yours nervously,

Not A God


Dear Not A God

So pleased you don't have delusions of grandeur as I have some experience with gods and I have to say it didn't end well. If you should by any chance find yourself having odd lapses of memory and waking up wearing women's clothing could you let me know.

Now on to your particular problem: I do know what it's like to be one of "the only ones" and have problems with your other "only". In my case she imperilled a lot of people, took off with my body, slept with my current boyfriend and then went and broke down all over my ex, who instantly started defending her. If your only problem is that your "only one" has got married I'd say you've got it easy. So...in answer to your questions.

a) Are you sure you are ready to commit? Settling down is a big step and if you aren't 100% sure about it I shouldn't go with it if I were you. It's kind of like baking, do you feel fully cooked yet...um...OK, that doesn't make much sense. If you aren't ready you'll resent him and you could make things worse not better. You come across as a decent guy but one of the best people I know tried to destroy the world so it can happen to anybody. Also your relationship sounds platonic at the moment but if you try to turn it into something more things can go badly wrong. I should know as I slept with my boyfriend (the ex) who then turned evil, tried to destroy the world so I had to send him to hell, but then he turned up again naked more or less on my doorstep. Believe me when I tell you that's a problem you don't want to have. Play it cool until you find out more about whether your feelings are reciprocated and don't do anything rash until you're sure he's given up world take-overage.

b) I kind of don't like the thought of you destroying someone's marriage. My dad ran off with his secretary and it was really tough on everybody. Me and my sister (she's really a ball of green energy, but I call her my sister because it's the easiest way to explain her) have hardly seen him since our mom died and that sucks. Sorry to say all the wrong things to you but marriage-wrecking is a big no no with me.

Yours helpfully,

Sunnydale Exile

P.S. Do you have a lot of travelling companions because apparently I really am stuck in a castle in Scotland, which totally sucks as I'm marooned here with loads of teenage girls and a guy who I've known for years but who is now starting to get delusions of Norse godhood. At least you know you're not one, god I mean, and we're both in the world saveage business. If you could take me away from all this I'd be really grateful and would act as your personal relationship counsellor free of charge!

Comments

[kathyh]

we have too much time on our hands.

We really do don't we *g*.

[bimo.livejournal.com]

*chuckles*

But time well-invested, methinks! An amused "thank you" to both of you. Reading this hilarious exchange was just what I needed :-)

Oh, and speaking of needing things: I believe I could use some Highlander viewing advice from trustworthy experts. As it happens, my Dad recently acquired the Season 2 DVD box, is willing to lend it to me, and now I'm a bit clueless about which episodes to watch.

Any particular recommendations or warnings?

[kathyh]

selenak might pick some different episodes but I would definitely watch "Studies in Light" (an episode that really touches on the problems of Immortality), "The Darkness" (heart-breaking), "Under Color of Authority" (is following the letter of the law the right thing to do?), and "Legacy" (excellent Amanda episode). Other good ones are "The Watchers", "The Return of Amanda", "Unholy Alliance 1&2", "Pharoah's Daughter", "Prodigal Son" and "Counterfeit 1 & 2". Avoid The Zone! Season 2 isn't the strongest season but there are some very good episodes in there. Enjoy!

[selenak.livejournal.com]

I'm seconding Kathy's choices, and let me add that as a Joe fan, you really need to see The Watchers, which is his introduction episode, and as an Amanda fan, I insist you watch The Return of Amanda (despite the fact we get to see Berliners wearing lederhosen in one scene there) because she sparkles in same. And yes, Studies in Light is probably the best of the season, and Legacy has Amanda and Rebecca at their best.

[wee-warrior.livejournal.com]

Ha! Awesome! (Embarrassingly enough it took me a while to realize that Sunnydale Exile was Buffy, not Giles.)

[selenak.livejournal.com]

I thought the title sort of gave it away even before the lingo.*g* Anyway, glad you like.

[wee-warrior.livejournal.com]

I thought the title sort of gave it away even before the lingo.

Now that you say it...o.O I guess I was still half asleep.

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to imagine Buffy as being qualified to give anyone relationship advice, but I think you just overloaded my brain...

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Let me put it this way: a) with those two, what could it hurt? and b) she certainly can talk of experience.*g*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_medley_/]

::DIES:: You know how sometimes if you laugh really hard and you're trying to be quiet, it makes your chest kinda hurt? Yeah. Ow. ::still giggling::

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Good to know.*g*

[honorh.livejournal.com]

Very cute! Buffy traveling with the Doctor could be all sorts of fun, since they're both such alpha personalities. However, it strikes me that sorting out the Doctor and the Master is small beans. You really want to challenge the girl, throw Torchwood at her.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

You make a good point.*g*

[flo-nelja.livejournal.com]

World takeovers never end well, and I might have to come out of retirement to stop you, which would be sucky for both of us, particularly you

Yeah for Buffy !

Also, I practically died laughing ! ^^

[selenak.livejournal.com]

That was the evil intention.*g*

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Hee! How did I miss this? Your Buffy voice is AWESOME.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

A lot of credit for that goes to kathyh, who said how she'd reply to certain timelords.*g*