On the impossibility....
May. 19th, 2010 04:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
selenak...of writing one particular fanfiction one desires to read. Usually, after complaining for a while unsuccessfully (i.e. nobody writes it for me, which was the fiendish plan with the complaining, and I'm happy to report this often has results) about the non-existence of one particular type of story, I get around to writing it myself. Yet sometimes, I just can't. This can have various reasons.
There is the "I am not worthy" variety, which is my problem with the "Toby Ziegler and Jed Bartlet have it out post-presidential pardon" story I can't write. Though I still live in the hope someone who is brilliant with dialogue and psychology and as intrigued by the relationship as I am will do it for me. Then there is the "I can't write it right now because I don't want to get jossed next week, but once canon is closed, I so will write this in the future" variety, which covers several plot bunnies I have spawned by Lost. (This carries one risk: bearing my Carnivale experience in mind, there is always the possibility the conclusion of a show is such that it makes me fall out of love with the fandom altogether and thus also cancels out fic ideas.)
But there is also the variety where canon, or at least my personal reading of it, makes the kind of thing I want to read/write impossible. I don't mean in a "I hate this characterisation and now can't write about this show" way, not at all. Just: well, let me explain via example again. A few weeks backzahrawithaz asked me whether, since Discordance is among other things about Morgana's relationship with Gwen, and Reviewing the Situation is among other things about Morgana's relationship with Arthur, there would be a Morgana pov on her relationship with Merlin. And here we come to my problem. Because while the show offered me ample material as to how Merlin sees Morgana, and how and why this shifts to up to and including Fires of Idirsholas (what I got out of that I used for the Morgana section in my Merlin portrait Sui Generis), the reverse is, to my mind, the most undefined and vague relationship of the entire show. Which I don't think is because of lack of screentime for Morgana; I have a pretty clear picture on how she sees everyone else, Uther, Gwen, Arthur, even Gaius. And she actually has far more scenes with Merlin than with Arthur in s2, so it's definitely not lack of material. Now, it's that what I get out of said material isn't very interesting from a fanfic pov, to wit: I don't think Morgana, pre-Idirsholas, has an opinion of or interest in Merlin beyond "trusted and loyal servant/friend".
It's clear that she likes him from the start, but the one time she makes a guess about his motives for an action (helping Gwen in 1.3), it's a wrong one (that he's in love with Gwen). She accepts his explanation as to why he rescued Mordred and brought him to her (that he was acting on impulse) without further curiosity, and does not question why he risks his life to find someone who can teach her about magic in 2.03, just as she doesn't question why he covers for her early in 2.12. (though she expresses gratitude that he does). Basically, the impression I got was that she thinks Merlin helps her out of the goodness of his heart, that he's just that nice a guy, though she is on some level aware his ultimate loyalty isn't to her (hence her not telling him about Plan Liberate Alvarr in 2.11. and, fatally, lying both times he asks her regarding her involvement in 2.12.). This isn't good fanfiction material because there is not much of a progression unti the big tragic twist of 2.12., especially because Morgana keeps missing the signficance of events that shape and change Merlin's attitude towards her. It starts, but certainly isn't limited to her lack of awareness of Merlin's own magical gifts, which means she can't guess at solidarity, a certain identification, but also distrust precisely because of what they share. (See: Merlin's opinion of himself darkening through two seasons. When he says to Gaius in 2.09 "you don't know what it's like to be afraid of what you are" and "you don't know what it's like to be monster", he's not just talking about Freya.) Then there are the events of 1.12, To Kill A King, where Morgana is entirely unaware both that Merlin knows she made an alliance with Tauren to kill Uther and that he saw her reconsider and literally stab Tauren in the back at the last moment. While these are things she can't know, the third crucial event is something she could, she just doesn't notice, to wit: the impact when in 2.03. Merlin tells her Uther is executing suspected and actual magic users left and right for Morgana's supposed kidnapping, that she has to come back to stop this, and she basically reacts with "thanks, but no thanks, that's not my problem". Lastly, she's unaware that he overheard the conversation between Alvarr and her in 2.11. with the "we'll have to kill Uther and all who serve him" phrase. These are all important points from Merlin's pov (and btw also something a big part of the Watsonian answer to "Why doesn't Merlin out himself to Morgana?"), but from Morgana's, Merlin doesn't even figure in most of them, and the one time she's aware of his involvement, in 2.03, she's grateful that he gets her in contact with the druids and grateful that he keeps her secret once they are back in Camelot, but like I said, there is no indication she ever wonders whether his helpfulness has reasons beyond "quintessential goodness", or that her initial refusal to return to Camelot to stop the executions could have a very personal impact on him. So basically, the way I see it, from Morgana's pov what happens at the end of 2.12 happens completely out of the blue, because she kept missing all the steps in between, and right now, I don't see a way to build a story around that.
Addendum I: For someone who is in most fanfiction depicted as incredibly insightful when it comes to other people, Morgana actually displays a stunning lack of curiosity and/or wrong assumptions about the motives of others. The only two people with a similar or worse track record of making wrong assumptions are Uther and Arthur. What the three share, of course, is their royal status and the fact that they're rarely if ever corrected when making their wrong guesses. (Arthur more so than the other two, which is why by the end of s2 he's showing some signs of actual progress in that department, though he still makes wrong guesses about reasons even if he's correctly deducing emotions.) Of course, nobody can dethrone Uther as the king of wrong assumptions, with his tendency to fall for/like very much people who hate his guts (from Fake!Helen/Mary Collins via Edwin to Catrina), suspect people who are actually loyal (alas, poor Tom) and overlook the magic user right under his nose. But Morgana misses out on the whole Gwen/Arthur development, which takes Merlin, Lancelot and even Gaius all of five minutes to detect, even when Gwen is practically bursting into tears right in front of her in Sweet Dreams, missed out on the big Lancelot conspiracy in s1, and is to some degree hoodwinked by Alvarr in 2.11. (The two people Morgana reads best and can in most cases push the right buttons with are, again, Uther and Arthur, but even there, she's not infallible: she clearly didn't think Uther would go as far as to have her thrown in a dungeon in 1.12. despite all his previous threats, and conversely, she's misreading Arthur in both 1.12. and 2.04. as doing one thing when he's actually busy doing the exact opposite.) So her lack of curiosity as to why Merlin is so incredibly helpful, just taking it for granted that he is, fits with a pattern. It's just not a very inspiring one for me.
Addendum II: post-Idirsholas stories dealing with Morgana and Merlin are a whole different area of frustration, for different reasons. (BTW, here the main reason why I don't write my own version is the certainty of getting jossed once season 3 starts. Though I might write a longer fanfiction in which this is one of the issues dealt with, but the focus would actually be an another character.) I mentioned this before, but here I'm annoyed by two extremes, usually not found within the same story, to wit: Saint!Morgana and Coward!Merlin. Saint!Morgana shows up in Morgana pov stories where she figures out why Merlin did what he did all on her own and even persuades Morgause to forgive him. Do not want, either in fanfiction or in canon. From her perspective, Morgana was betrayed and nearly murdered by someone she trusted, out of blue (see above as to why), and she has every reason to be angry and want revenge. Plus, where in the last two seasons have we been given any indication that Morgana is the forgiving type even about less serious offenses? And then there are stories where Morgana is allowed her legitimate hurt and anger, or we get Avenger!Morgause or Avenger!Mordred confronting Merlin over what he's done, but where we also get Coward!Merlin, aka the version who basically goes "the Dragon made me do it". I don't think so. When it comes to responsibility for morally grey/dark actions and/or events, Merlin actually has a track record of claiming it, not shifting it. This goes from unintentionally harmful actions (like using his powers to form clouds and thus starting a witch craze that almost gets Gaius killed in 2.7, The Witchfinder or healing Gwen's father, which gets Gwen arrested, all the way back in 1.03.) to deliberately harmful actions, of which poisoning Morgana to save everyone else in Camelot is actually a good example, because when Gaius offers him an out in the tag scene of 2.12 via "you had no choice", Merlin counters "you don't believe that; she was your friend, too". The impression I got from the show is that he's certainly sorry about what he did and is aware of the enormity of it, but also that, given the exact same situation, he'd do it again. So, fanfiction wise, I could buy Merlin feeling enough remorse to feel he owes Morgana his life (though that would have to be a situation where there is no simultanous threat to anyone else but Merlin). But what I can't buy is Merlin either trying to get out of responsibility for the poisoning by blaming the Dragon or seriously believing the Dragon was the only reason he did it. (Reminder: the Dragon, after making his bargain with Merlin, provides the answer to the question "how to do I break the sleeping spell?" by explaining how said spell works - it needs to be constantly fed through a living vessel, which in this case is Morgana - and how it's broken (by killing the vessel). At this point, Merlin has already realized his original assumption as to why Morgana wasn't affected by the sleeping spell like everyone else in Camelot was - due to innate magical abilities - can't be correct, since he himself is starting to feel the effect of the spell. And he has seen her willling to sacrifice others for her freedom in the past. But he still doesn't make the final step of actually carrying out the murder until a) Morgause's arrival is a non-surprise for Morgana, and she lies about it, b) one of Morgause'sBlack Riders knights spares Morgana, and Morgana's explanation for that one ("because I'm a woman?") is an obvious untruth as well, c) the effect of the sleeping spell on him and Arthur has grown so strong that they're this short of breaking down entirely and d) Arthur, in said state, is in combat with the zombie knights. So "I only did it because of the Dragon" is both factually and emotionally untrue, besides being ooc.)
Addendum III: and then there's the pairing option. Which I suppose would provide some emotional development to fill a Morgana pov story about her pre-Idirsholas relationship with Merlin with, but unfortunately I don't ship them, and again I have the difficulty of seeing Morgana as interested in Merlin at all beyond liking and trusting him on a "good and loyal servant" level. It's a bit easier to construct something one-sided from Merlin's pov if I absolutely had to write a romance, because he certainly is aware (read: bedazzled) of her as a beautiful woman in the pilot, and he's often drawn to other magical people. (In addition to Nimueh-as-Cara, he's also fanboying Edwin right until he sees Edwin attempting to torch Gaius, and of course there's Freya.) But that would make the FoI poisoning squicky in addition to being dark by adding a man-scorned subtext which I don't think the show depiction justifies, and it still wouldn't add anything to Morgana's pov.
There is the "I am not worthy" variety, which is my problem with the "Toby Ziegler and Jed Bartlet have it out post-presidential pardon" story I can't write. Though I still live in the hope someone who is brilliant with dialogue and psychology and as intrigued by the relationship as I am will do it for me. Then there is the "I can't write it right now because I don't want to get jossed next week, but once canon is closed, I so will write this in the future" variety, which covers several plot bunnies I have spawned by Lost. (This carries one risk: bearing my Carnivale experience in mind, there is always the possibility the conclusion of a show is such that it makes me fall out of love with the fandom altogether and thus also cancels out fic ideas.)
But there is also the variety where canon, or at least my personal reading of it, makes the kind of thing I want to read/write impossible. I don't mean in a "I hate this characterisation and now can't write about this show" way, not at all. Just: well, let me explain via example again. A few weeks back
zahrawithaz asked me whether, since Discordance is among other things about Morgana's relationship with Gwen, and Reviewing the Situation is among other things about Morgana's relationship with Arthur, there would be a Morgana pov on her relationship with Merlin. And here we come to my problem. Because while the show offered me ample material as to how Merlin sees Morgana, and how and why this shifts to up to and including Fires of Idirsholas (what I got out of that I used for the Morgana section in my Merlin portrait Sui Generis), the reverse is, to my mind, the most undefined and vague relationship of the entire show. Which I don't think is because of lack of screentime for Morgana; I have a pretty clear picture on how she sees everyone else, Uther, Gwen, Arthur, even Gaius. And she actually has far more scenes with Merlin than with Arthur in s2, so it's definitely not lack of material. Now, it's that what I get out of said material isn't very interesting from a fanfic pov, to wit: I don't think Morgana, pre-Idirsholas, has an opinion of or interest in Merlin beyond "trusted and loyal servant/friend". It's clear that she likes him from the start, but the one time she makes a guess about his motives for an action (helping Gwen in 1.3), it's a wrong one (that he's in love with Gwen). She accepts his explanation as to why he rescued Mordred and brought him to her (that he was acting on impulse) without further curiosity, and does not question why he risks his life to find someone who can teach her about magic in 2.03, just as she doesn't question why he covers for her early in 2.12. (though she expresses gratitude that he does). Basically, the impression I got was that she thinks Merlin helps her out of the goodness of his heart, that he's just that nice a guy, though she is on some level aware his ultimate loyalty isn't to her (hence her not telling him about Plan Liberate Alvarr in 2.11. and, fatally, lying both times he asks her regarding her involvement in 2.12.). This isn't good fanfiction material because there is not much of a progression unti the big tragic twist of 2.12., especially because Morgana keeps missing the signficance of events that shape and change Merlin's attitude towards her. It starts, but certainly isn't limited to her lack of awareness of Merlin's own magical gifts, which means she can't guess at solidarity, a certain identification, but also distrust precisely because of what they share. (See: Merlin's opinion of himself darkening through two seasons. When he says to Gaius in 2.09 "you don't know what it's like to be afraid of what you are" and "you don't know what it's like to be monster", he's not just talking about Freya.) Then there are the events of 1.12, To Kill A King, where Morgana is entirely unaware both that Merlin knows she made an alliance with Tauren to kill Uther and that he saw her reconsider and literally stab Tauren in the back at the last moment. While these are things she can't know, the third crucial event is something she could, she just doesn't notice, to wit: the impact when in 2.03. Merlin tells her Uther is executing suspected and actual magic users left and right for Morgana's supposed kidnapping, that she has to come back to stop this, and she basically reacts with "thanks, but no thanks, that's not my problem". Lastly, she's unaware that he overheard the conversation between Alvarr and her in 2.11. with the "we'll have to kill Uther and all who serve him" phrase. These are all important points from Merlin's pov (and btw also something a big part of the Watsonian answer to "Why doesn't Merlin out himself to Morgana?"), but from Morgana's, Merlin doesn't even figure in most of them, and the one time she's aware of his involvement, in 2.03, she's grateful that he gets her in contact with the druids and grateful that he keeps her secret once they are back in Camelot, but like I said, there is no indication she ever wonders whether his helpfulness has reasons beyond "quintessential goodness", or that her initial refusal to return to Camelot to stop the executions could have a very personal impact on him. So basically, the way I see it, from Morgana's pov what happens at the end of 2.12 happens completely out of the blue, because she kept missing all the steps in between, and right now, I don't see a way to build a story around that.
Addendum I: For someone who is in most fanfiction depicted as incredibly insightful when it comes to other people, Morgana actually displays a stunning lack of curiosity and/or wrong assumptions about the motives of others. The only two people with a similar or worse track record of making wrong assumptions are Uther and Arthur. What the three share, of course, is their royal status and the fact that they're rarely if ever corrected when making their wrong guesses. (Arthur more so than the other two, which is why by the end of s2 he's showing some signs of actual progress in that department, though he still makes wrong guesses about reasons even if he's correctly deducing emotions.) Of course, nobody can dethrone Uther as the king of wrong assumptions, with his tendency to fall for/like very much people who hate his guts (from Fake!Helen/Mary Collins via Edwin to Catrina), suspect people who are actually loyal (alas, poor Tom) and overlook the magic user right under his nose. But Morgana misses out on the whole Gwen/Arthur development, which takes Merlin, Lancelot and even Gaius all of five minutes to detect, even when Gwen is practically bursting into tears right in front of her in Sweet Dreams, missed out on the big Lancelot conspiracy in s1, and is to some degree hoodwinked by Alvarr in 2.11. (The two people Morgana reads best and can in most cases push the right buttons with are, again, Uther and Arthur, but even there, she's not infallible: she clearly didn't think Uther would go as far as to have her thrown in a dungeon in 1.12. despite all his previous threats, and conversely, she's misreading Arthur in both 1.12. and 2.04. as doing one thing when he's actually busy doing the exact opposite.) So her lack of curiosity as to why Merlin is so incredibly helpful, just taking it for granted that he is, fits with a pattern. It's just not a very inspiring one for me.
Addendum II: post-Idirsholas stories dealing with Morgana and Merlin are a whole different area of frustration, for different reasons. (BTW, here the main reason why I don't write my own version is the certainty of getting jossed once season 3 starts. Though I might write a longer fanfiction in which this is one of the issues dealt with, but the focus would actually be an another character.) I mentioned this before, but here I'm annoyed by two extremes, usually not found within the same story, to wit: Saint!Morgana and Coward!Merlin. Saint!Morgana shows up in Morgana pov stories where she figures out why Merlin did what he did all on her own and even persuades Morgause to forgive him. Do not want, either in fanfiction or in canon. From her perspective, Morgana was betrayed and nearly murdered by someone she trusted, out of blue (see above as to why), and she has every reason to be angry and want revenge. Plus, where in the last two seasons have we been given any indication that Morgana is the forgiving type even about less serious offenses? And then there are stories where Morgana is allowed her legitimate hurt and anger, or we get Avenger!Morgause or Avenger!Mordred confronting Merlin over what he's done, but where we also get Coward!Merlin, aka the version who basically goes "the Dragon made me do it". I don't think so. When it comes to responsibility for morally grey/dark actions and/or events, Merlin actually has a track record of claiming it, not shifting it. This goes from unintentionally harmful actions (like using his powers to form clouds and thus starting a witch craze that almost gets Gaius killed in 2.7, The Witchfinder or healing Gwen's father, which gets Gwen arrested, all the way back in 1.03.) to deliberately harmful actions, of which poisoning Morgana to save everyone else in Camelot is actually a good example, because when Gaius offers him an out in the tag scene of 2.12 via "you had no choice", Merlin counters "you don't believe that; she was your friend, too". The impression I got from the show is that he's certainly sorry about what he did and is aware of the enormity of it, but also that, given the exact same situation, he'd do it again. So, fanfiction wise, I could buy Merlin feeling enough remorse to feel he owes Morgana his life (though that would have to be a situation where there is no simultanous threat to anyone else but Merlin). But what I can't buy is Merlin either trying to get out of responsibility for the poisoning by blaming the Dragon or seriously believing the Dragon was the only reason he did it. (Reminder: the Dragon, after making his bargain with Merlin, provides the answer to the question "how to do I break the sleeping spell?" by explaining how said spell works - it needs to be constantly fed through a living vessel, which in this case is Morgana - and how it's broken (by killing the vessel). At this point, Merlin has already realized his original assumption as to why Morgana wasn't affected by the sleeping spell like everyone else in Camelot was - due to innate magical abilities - can't be correct, since he himself is starting to feel the effect of the spell. And he has seen her willling to sacrifice others for her freedom in the past. But he still doesn't make the final step of actually carrying out the murder until a) Morgause's arrival is a non-surprise for Morgana, and she lies about it, b) one of Morgause's
Addendum III: and then there's the pairing option. Which I suppose would provide some emotional development to fill a Morgana pov story about her pre-Idirsholas relationship with Merlin with, but unfortunately I don't ship them, and again I have the difficulty of seeing Morgana as interested in Merlin at all beyond liking and trusting him on a "good and loyal servant" level. It's a bit easier to construct something one-sided from Merlin's pov if I absolutely had to write a romance, because he certainly is aware (read: bedazzled) of her as a beautiful woman in the pilot, and he's often drawn to other magical people. (In addition to Nimueh-as-Cara, he's also fanboying Edwin right until he sees Edwin attempting to torch Gaius, and of course there's Freya.) But that would make the FoI poisoning squicky in addition to being dark by adding a man-scorned subtext which I don't think the show depiction justifies, and it still wouldn't add anything to Morgana's pov.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-19 10:15 pm (UTC)also, there is post-foi fic where merlin actually says the dragon made him do it? that seems so absurd to me, even if one hasn't caught the pattern of merlin taking responsibility for his actions. he is just clearly making a choice to kill morgana. i don't know how anyone could miss that. and it's not like he hasn't ever done the opposite of what the dragon's told him needs to be done in the past (hi, mordred).
no subject
Date: 2010-05-20 07:37 am (UTC)Yep. I've encountered these two basic variations:
A) With Morgana:
Morgana: so, why'd you poison me?
Merlin: Because the dragon said so!
Morgana: The dragon who next torched Camelot.
Merlin: *hangs head in shame*
(Which completely ignores not only what we agree on re: Merlin taking responsibility and additional reasons other than the Dragon's advice, but also that the Dragon torching Camelot has nothing to do with his information re: how to break the sleeping spell, which turned out to be correct.)
B) With Morgause or Mordred
Mor: You poisoned Morgana, you bastard.
Merlin: Only because the Dragon told me to! I'm sorry, please spare my life?
Mor: Only because Morgana wishes it, coward.
Which...