Nightmare Pairing Pledge

[selenak]

Taken from astrogirl2 and fernwithy. This was actually tricky because of the "least favourite character" thing because it obviously means "disliked character" here, and there aren't many characters I dislike in my various fandoms. (For example, from an in-story perspective I of course hate what Morden does to Londo but as a watcher of B5, I think Morden is a splendid villain, and I enjoy his appearances and his character very much.) However, after much pondering I came up with some examples.

The Nightmare Pairing Pledge



I, selenak, do solemnly swear that my favorite DS9 character is Quark and my least favorite characters are the Prophets. The mere thought of them doing naughty things together makes me whimper. However... given sufficient crack and an infinite number of monkeys, here's how a Quark/Prophet shag might happen.

Necessary plot device or deus ex machina: The Prophet who raped possessed Sarah Sisko in order to engineer Sisko's birth decides to show up on DS9 in early season 7 to keep an eye on its depressed boy. As Kira once volunteered to be possessed, it figures it can do this again occasionally without asking...

Who makes the first move: Prophet/Kira spots Quark and remembers his intriguing adverserial nature from the encounter between Quark and the Prophets in the Celestial Temple when they had been devolving Zak. This happens when Odo is almost running away with Laas, when he's off station. Quark makes flippant remark. Prophet/Kira takes it the wrong way and suddenly decides a physical encounter in this body is asked for.

Positions and/or kinks: Oomox, naturally. Quark thinks she's joking at first and then thinks Odo is going to kill him, but can't bring himself to turn down the opportunity.

Afterglow: Prophet leaves Kira. Kira kills Quark. End of AU.

Would I actually read or write this? No.

***



I, selenak, do solemnly swear that my favorite Alias character is Arvin Sloane and my least favorite character used to be Michael Vaughn. (I've actually grown fond of him this season, but let's ignore that for the purpose of this meme.) The mere thought of them doing naughty things together makes me whimper. However... given sufficient crack and an infinite number of monkeys, here's how a Sloane/Vaughn shag might happen.

Necessary plot device or deus ex machina: Rambaldi-invented aphrodisiakum that Sloane and Vaughn for some reason get in contact with; they then get kidnapped by Quentin Quarantino's character and locked in a room together. Yes, it's one of those tired old must-shag-or-die scenarios.

Who makes the first move: Sloane, because a) he's the bigger pragmatist, and b) he really wants this over with so that he can proceed to slowly torturing and kiling QT's character in retaliation.

Positions and/or kinks: Vaughn keeps his eyes closed throughout, except when he thinks he hears Sloane murmur "Sydney".

Afterglow: Jack and Sydney rescue them after the Rambaldi juice wore off. Vaughn decides to commit suicide. Sloane has a hard time convincing anyone that a) this isn't his fault and b) he cares.

Would I actually read or write this? A world of no.

Comments

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

Found because I was bored and reading karabair's flist...dude. If you wrote the Sloane/Vaughn thing, I'd give you a pony (icon). Because sickbadwrong...and HILARIOUS. Vaughn's my favorite character on that misbegotten show (it's the cheekbones. I'm shallow), and I STILL think this would be the funniest thing ever.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Maybe when I'm feeling whacky enough.*g* Icons are of the good, after all.

[shezan.livejournal.com]

The DS9 one definitely has possibilities...

:)

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Ah, but I already wrote Prophet porn (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1697777/1/), the Kira fans would kill me, and it isn't a worthy cause for my guy Quark to die for, either.*g*

so it's favorite/least favorite?

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

so I have to come up with a way to write:

Wesley/Knox
Spike/Principal Wood

Firefly. . . um, maybe Saffron/River? (which sounds like the name of some kind of product, I guess?)

and, um, Starbuck/Mrs. Tigh?

now I have to curl up in a ball and whimper

Re: so it's favorite/least favorite?

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Hey, Andrew already did the Spike/Robin Wood thing for you.*g*

But yes, that's the nature of the game. Only I can't play it in the Jossverse. Even the characters whom by and large I'm generally mildly indifferent towards, like Gunn, have their eps and storylines where I like them a lot.

[andraste]

Giggling hysterically here over the Sloane/Vaughn. Sydney would be furious that Sloane laid a hand on her love interest, and somehow I don't think 'but I was thinking of you the entire time!' would allay her wrath.

Sloane has a hard time convincing anyone that a) this isn't his fault and b) he cares.

For this scene alone, the story would be completely worth it *g*.

[selenak.livejournal.com]

No, it probably wouldn't, and yes, it just might be.*g*

*snrk*

[janewt.livejournal.com]

Oh, now that's just cruel. You've made me think about Londo/Byron, which is so silly and tacky and improbable that I'm going to have to dream up a scenario, and then I'll just feel wrong.

Re: *snrk*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

See, after seriously and endlessly wondering, I thought the B5 equivalent for me would be Londo/Lorien. Which would be equally wrong.*g*

Re: *snrk*

[janewt.livejournal.com]

says innocently
"Lorien's all middle-aged...looking. I thought you liked middle-aged alien tentacle pr0n...."

Re: *snrk*

[selenak.livejournal.com]

Ah, but for me to enjoy the middle-aged alien prOn both aliens have to be interesting and flawed and with an actual relationship. A deus ex machina who is everbody's daddy does not qualify.*g*