A villain's life is not an easy one...
Mar. 18th, 2005 12:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
selenakThe following insanity owes its existence to an exchange with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
andrastewhite on the subject of Arvin Sloane, Al Bester and Scorpius needing to each the art of being a magnificent bastard somewhere. So, I offer...
THE MULTIVERSE ACADEMY FOR VILLAINS
Class Schedule:
The Art of Dialogue: The key to being a successful and popular villain often lies in getting the best lines. Don’t take this for granted; in recent years, heroes have been known to be quippy as hell. Still, at our academy you’ll be coached by the best. Seminar conducted by Alfred Bester (Babylon 5). (Suggestions that the professor has an advantage in verbal duels due to his telepathy just show your lack of imagination and automatically disqualify you.)
Motivating your Minions/Trusted Lieutenants: Let’s face it, none of us can do it alone. It is vital to find skilled personnel who will be ready not just to die in your service but to save you from whatever dire situation life could have prepared for you. This class will be taught by Scorpius (Farscape), Erik Lehnsherr (X-Men) and the Mayor of Sunnydale (BtVS).
Group Therapy: One day you’re a character with motivations, background and complexities, the next you’re a cackling madman who rapes, sacrifices babies and your neighbour’s kittens, wants to destroy the world and gets retconned to boot. Helping you to adjust to this fate are Gul Dukat (DS9), Brother Justin (Carnivale) and Agent Sandoval (Earth: Final Conflict). Brother Justin’s opening sermon will revolve around the motto “Even in times of one-dimensionality, smouldering sexual tension is still ours”.
The Art of Monologue: Due to being a villain, you will get those speeches sooner or later. Be prepared to carry them off with style, or you will not survive one season. (A guest speaker, The Master (BTVS, not Dr. Who) is prepared to demonstrate why.) This class shall be taught by Arvin Sloane (Alias) , with voluntary extra lessons on the art of briefing the heroes on a need to know basis (and they never need to know the most important stuff).
Beating the Odds: Sexual Tension as the Key to Survival. You know how it is. Your existence wasn’t planned to outlast the season/first movie/whatever. Being witty and/or motivated by complicated issues is all very well, but there is one element which guarantees your survival, at least until the last season/last third of the movie/whever. Lessons on the art of developing sexual chemistry with your leading lady/man are given by Spike (BtVS) and Alex Krychek (X-Files).
Take Back The Night: Women as the Villains of the Future. The days when the ladies were just there to provide eye candy and fall for the hero are definitely over. Lessons on the way to get to the top and stay there despite all male opposition from both heroes and fellow villains are given by Servalan (Blake’s 7) and Kai Winn (DS9). Guest Speaker Lilah Morgan (AtS). (M. Grayza applied but was firmly rejected as a lecturer for lack of originality.)
It is the Cause: Motivating yourself is as important as motivating your minions. In the course of your existence, there will be inevitable set-backs due to the laws of the hero-centric narrative. However, if you want to avoid having to attend our group therapy due to resulting depression and/or madness, you should find and concentrate on a goal other than obtaining supreme power for yourself. (Not that there is anything wrong with ambition, but believing in another cause involving the welfare of many will ensure you sympathy from your authors and fans which in turn will ensure they will feel obliged to give you a success every now and then.) Lectures shall be given by Alfred Bester, Erik Lehnsherr and Scorpius.
Mad, Bad and Dangerous to know: Or, how to have fun with insanity. If, on the other hand, you already start the narrative as insane, you might as well remember that joie de vivre is the key to making your insanity appealing and memorable. Sharing the fun will be Emperor Cartagia (Babylon 5), Callisto (Xena: Warrior Princess) and Drusilla (BtVS).
From Villain to (Anti-)Hero in Ten Easy Steps: It’s hard to adjust sometimes, we know. But it happens, especially if you’re an attendee of Beating the Odds. Explaining how one deals with the change of lifestyle, sudden lack of disposable minions, increasing lack of kinky sex and constant exposure to distrustful heroes who aren’t blessed with amnesia shall be Crais (Farscape) and Spike.
Religion: The New Trend? In the past, there were of course hypocritical priests ™ and evil inquisitors ™ , but these days more and more villains find themselves tackling questions of faith from a true/anguished believer point of view. Examine whether this is the way for you in the company of Six (Battlestar Galactica 2003) and Winn Adami. Special guest lecture plus ensuing debate with the regular teachers given by Brother Justin and his sister, Iris Crowe.
Family Values: The days of the loner are over. Today’s villains should be prepared to accept paternal, maternal, fraternal or sisterly responsibility for either their fellow villains or for the heroes. It is a psychological advantage that should not be missed, and besides, it usually provides you with a support mechanism in dire situations. Best of all, you usually do not have to deal with the messy childhood and teenager years, as you’re bound to show up once your relations are already beyond that annoying stage. Teaching this class are Irina Derevko (Alias) and Xhalax Sun (Farscape).
andrastewhite on the subject of Arvin Sloane, Al Bester and Scorpius needing to each the art of being a magnificent bastard somewhere. So, I offer...THE MULTIVERSE ACADEMY FOR VILLAINS
Class Schedule:
The Art of Dialogue: The key to being a successful and popular villain often lies in getting the best lines. Don’t take this for granted; in recent years, heroes have been known to be quippy as hell. Still, at our academy you’ll be coached by the best. Seminar conducted by Alfred Bester (Babylon 5). (Suggestions that the professor has an advantage in verbal duels due to his telepathy just show your lack of imagination and automatically disqualify you.)
Motivating your Minions/Trusted Lieutenants: Let’s face it, none of us can do it alone. It is vital to find skilled personnel who will be ready not just to die in your service but to save you from whatever dire situation life could have prepared for you. This class will be taught by Scorpius (Farscape), Erik Lehnsherr (X-Men) and the Mayor of Sunnydale (BtVS).
Group Therapy: One day you’re a character with motivations, background and complexities, the next you’re a cackling madman who rapes, sacrifices babies and your neighbour’s kittens, wants to destroy the world and gets retconned to boot. Helping you to adjust to this fate are Gul Dukat (DS9), Brother Justin (Carnivale) and Agent Sandoval (Earth: Final Conflict). Brother Justin’s opening sermon will revolve around the motto “Even in times of one-dimensionality, smouldering sexual tension is still ours”.
The Art of Monologue: Due to being a villain, you will get those speeches sooner or later. Be prepared to carry them off with style, or you will not survive one season. (A guest speaker, The Master (BTVS, not Dr. Who) is prepared to demonstrate why.) This class shall be taught by Arvin Sloane (Alias) , with voluntary extra lessons on the art of briefing the heroes on a need to know basis (and they never need to know the most important stuff).
Beating the Odds: Sexual Tension as the Key to Survival. You know how it is. Your existence wasn’t planned to outlast the season/first movie/whatever. Being witty and/or motivated by complicated issues is all very well, but there is one element which guarantees your survival, at least until the last season/last third of the movie/whever. Lessons on the art of developing sexual chemistry with your leading lady/man are given by Spike (BtVS) and Alex Krychek (X-Files).
Take Back The Night: Women as the Villains of the Future. The days when the ladies were just there to provide eye candy and fall for the hero are definitely over. Lessons on the way to get to the top and stay there despite all male opposition from both heroes and fellow villains are given by Servalan (Blake’s 7) and Kai Winn (DS9). Guest Speaker Lilah Morgan (AtS). (M. Grayza applied but was firmly rejected as a lecturer for lack of originality.)
It is the Cause: Motivating yourself is as important as motivating your minions. In the course of your existence, there will be inevitable set-backs due to the laws of the hero-centric narrative. However, if you want to avoid having to attend our group therapy due to resulting depression and/or madness, you should find and concentrate on a goal other than obtaining supreme power for yourself. (Not that there is anything wrong with ambition, but believing in another cause involving the welfare of many will ensure you sympathy from your authors and fans which in turn will ensure they will feel obliged to give you a success every now and then.) Lectures shall be given by Alfred Bester, Erik Lehnsherr and Scorpius.
Mad, Bad and Dangerous to know: Or, how to have fun with insanity. If, on the other hand, you already start the narrative as insane, you might as well remember that joie de vivre is the key to making your insanity appealing and memorable. Sharing the fun will be Emperor Cartagia (Babylon 5), Callisto (Xena: Warrior Princess) and Drusilla (BtVS).
From Villain to (Anti-)Hero in Ten Easy Steps: It’s hard to adjust sometimes, we know. But it happens, especially if you’re an attendee of Beating the Odds. Explaining how one deals with the change of lifestyle, sudden lack of disposable minions, increasing lack of kinky sex and constant exposure to distrustful heroes who aren’t blessed with amnesia shall be Crais (Farscape) and Spike.
Religion: The New Trend? In the past, there were of course hypocritical priests ™ and evil inquisitors ™ , but these days more and more villains find themselves tackling questions of faith from a true/anguished believer point of view. Examine whether this is the way for you in the company of Six (Battlestar Galactica 2003) and Winn Adami. Special guest lecture plus ensuing debate with the regular teachers given by Brother Justin and his sister, Iris Crowe.
Family Values: The days of the loner are over. Today’s villains should be prepared to accept paternal, maternal, fraternal or sisterly responsibility for either their fellow villains or for the heroes. It is a psychological advantage that should not be missed, and besides, it usually provides you with a support mechanism in dire situations. Best of all, you usually do not have to deal with the messy childhood and teenager years, as you’re bound to show up once your relations are already beyond that annoying stage. Teaching this class are Irina Derevko (Alias) and Xhalax Sun (Farscape).
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:08 pm (UTC)Word!
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Date: 2005-03-18 07:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 06:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:20 pm (UTC)May I suggest the Minion of the Shadows, Mr. Morden, as perhaps a guest lecturer? He could give a talk on How to Make Trouble After Death. I personally find his example inspiring.
For characters who are into this sort of thing, I'd like to see talks on how to get fanfic writers to take your side. Every good villain needs a revisionist fic showing that they were the True Hero all along. I'd personally recommend Maedhros son of Feanor as the villian most sucessful in getting the sympathy of his fandom. But, Dukat didn't do so badly either.
Damn I need to watch B7 and meet Servalan.
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Date: 2005-03-18 06:33 am (UTC)You need to watch B7 for many reasons, but that's certainly one. She's the only example I can think of who actually outlasts the heroes and wins in the end. (Not a spoiler, as the end of B7 is (in)famous and a classic.)
Point taken about your other two suggestions.
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Date: 2005-03-17 11:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 06:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 06:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 07:39 am (UTC)hee!
Date: 2005-03-18 12:31 am (UTC)As an oldschool Spikegirl, this is definitely my favorite part: You know how it is. Your existence wasn’t planned to outlast the season/first movie/whatever. Being witty and/or motivated by complicated issues is all very well, but there is one element which guarantees your survival, at least until the last season/last third of the movie/whever.
Re: hee!
Date: 2005-03-18 06:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 12:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 01:27 am (UTC)I loved the topic of Justin's sermon, and the idea of him debating religion with Six and Winn is priceless. And Sloane does indeed give great monologues.
Maybe Anakin Skywalker could teach a seminar on going from good guy to villain? I'm sure there are other characters who'd find that one useful ...
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Date: 2005-03-18 06:29 am (UTC)Anakin could, with a special warning about the redemption by sacrificial death/life-as-death in store given by Londo Mollari and Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. (Though Wesley just went morally ambiguous, never to full-fledged villain.)
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Date: 2005-03-18 11:13 am (UTC)I'm sure I eventually saw sense at at least declared myself part of your harem at some point. Forgive me *g*?
Anakin could, with a special warning about the redemption by sacrificial death/life-as-death in store given by Londo Mollari and Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. (Though Wesley just went morally ambiguous, never to full-fledged villain.)
And Willow could tell people that if you only go evil briefly and have a metaphorical drug problem, you might manage to avoid that.
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Date: 2005-03-18 03:01 pm (UTC)And yes, you did. You're forgiven.*g*
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Date: 2005-03-18 02:40 am (UTC)She's--brilliant, actually.
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Date: 2005-03-18 06:35 am (UTC)Thank you.
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Date: 2005-03-18 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 06:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 03:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 07:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:39 am (UTC)Brother Justin’s opening sermon will revolve around the motto “Even in times of one-dimensionality, smouldering sexual tension is still ours”.
Lindsey McDonald could also apeak on this, as well as a course on Walking the Fine Line. And Darla should really drop by the Women As Villains of the Future seminar.
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Date: 2005-03-18 07:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 11:26 am (UTC)boyfriendcolleague, Reed Richards.no subject
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Date: 2005-03-18 09:33 am (UTC)M. Grayza applied but was firmly rejected as a lecturer for lack of originality.
You know it would be almost worth letting her in just to see Servalan's reaction to her...
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Date: 2005-03-18 10:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 02:56 pm (UTC)*squees*
Date: 2005-03-18 10:04 am (UTC)Re: *squees*
Date: 2005-03-18 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 10:24 am (UTC)Ahem, yes. Too funny!
OT: You should get the new Alias ep tomorrow, download was a bitch yesterday, so it took until forever!
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