Or, as the prompt puts it: My feelings about fandom - what originally drew me to it,what keeps me there, what turns me off.

While I've been fannish about certain books, writers, movies and tv shows - and some music - all my life, fandom was something I only discovered in my early 20s. Inevitably (for me) via Star Trek, which was going through a revitalization in the early 90s. TNG had taken off and after that awkward first season and a half had found its own voice. DS9 was either in the works or had already just debuted, I can't pinpoint the year and since I'm sitting in the train, googling it would take eons. The internet hadn't arrived yet (for me), so my very first convention - FedCon in Bonn, which even then was the biggest in Germany - was also the first time I met fellow Star Trek fans who were excited about the new show(s) instead of holding to the There Is Only One True Trek credo, and wanted to talk about the show(s) and characters. (Actually, this was the first time I met any other ST fans, full stop. In school, the only thing my classmates semed to talk about were the Neue Deutsche Welle musicians.) This was fabulous, especially for someone like me who had spent her adolescence having zilch idea how to interact with other people and had felt either awkward or bored or both at any type of social gathering. This was also where I got introduced to fanfiction, via fanzines, which I bought in fascination.

As the 90s progressed, I did get online, and thereby got introduced to another very appealing aspect of fandom: that shared enthusiasm for something could lead to discovering other tv shows/films/books as well. My first online fandom was Highlander, which led to befriending some fellow fans who were enthusiastic about some show with an incredibly hokey name called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and others who kept telling me about an old British tv show called Blake's 7. One fellow fan kept raving about this new Sci Fi show Farscappe Then there was the generosity of many fans: I remember kathyh sending me Buffy and Angel episodes on video from England (both shows were broadcast in Germany as well, but usually a year or two behind the American broadcast whereas the Britis got it only months later or simultanously, I can't remember which), watervole sending me a video of the old miniseries Morgan's Boy starring Gareth Thomas which since it wasn't available on sale anywhere I'd never have had the chance to watch otherwise. And the creativity that showed both via fanfiction - often comparing very favourably to the official tie-ins - and fan videos was inspiring. I got over my cold feet and started to experiment with writing stories in English. Finding out I could write fiction in a language not my own, just as I could debate in it, was another great feeling.

A lot of this still holds true as to what makes fandom - any fandom - appealing to me. Being able to share enthusiasm, learning about new things, debating, getting creative, enjoying the creativity of others. But participation in fandom also inevitably introduced me to its far less enjoyable sides. Highlander wasn't just my first online fandom, it was also my first experience with what was and is by no means unique to HL - double standards for male and female characters, fannish hatred, bashing and demonizing of one particular female character because she had the bad taste to have excellent cause to hate the most popular male character in the fandom. Discovering slash via those early ST fanzines had been exciting; discovering online that any woman perceived as "coming between them" (be it because she was the canonical love interest of either party or for some other reason) got a lot of fannish bile directed at her got more and more disconcerting. (This was already true for fictional characters who never existed. But good lord, when I started to get into Beatles fandom for real...)

In the last decade, another type of turn-off online fandom phenomenon became more and more apparant to me, which I guess is the shadow side of the ability to share enthusiasm and to rally to causes. It's the tendency to mass jump on virtual throats, complete with dealing exclusively in hyperboles (everything is "The Worst!"), often using social justice language to dress up what to me often looked like cyber bullying in a righteous robe. (The current cause celèbre Winterfox/Requires Hate is anything but new or unique in this regard.) Fandom seems to have an amazing capacity for hate as well as generosity and support, and there is an echo hall effect to both.

Being a multifandom person with fluctuating enthusiasms instead of a One True Fandom person means a larger area to evade both the bashing and the must-destroy-the-sinner types of hate, but one inevitably comes across both variants again sooner or later. And if fandom introduced me to some of the smarted, kindest and most creative people I've had the privilege to meet (either virtually or in rl), it also introduced me to some of the most unpleasant and vicious. Which I suppose reflects humanity, and did by no means only arrive with the internet. One famous 19th century theatre anecdote involves fans of one actor burning down the theatre of his rival, after all. I doubt this made other people quit the theatre altogether, and I can't imagine quitting fandom, either. But every now and then, I feel like backing off... with the knowledge that I will be back.



December Talking Meme: The Other Days

Finished my queer_fest Babylon 5 story last night; it's off to be beta'd, but the posting date isn't until June 1st, so there's no hurry. Going back to the B5verse once in a while, and in this case specifically to the Centauri, with Vir at the center of it, feels like getting back into very comfortable worn slippers. Though due to the prompt I was actually able to do something with the Centauri that I hadn't done before, so - old slippers with new soles? (And now I'm nearly at Londo's dancing metaphor from s1, Great Maker, as he would say.) Anyway, the other reason why writing it, delving back into the B5 verse felt so great is that it was and as far as I know still is blessedly free of shipper wars. Of course, no sooner have I written this that I expect someone to tell me that I'm wrong about this and that I totally missed the epic battles between Susan/Talia and Susan/Marcus shippers, or the mighty war between John/Delenn and Delenn/Lennier shippers, due to not hanging out in the Ivanova or Minbari centric corners of fandom enough in my Centauri and Narn centric fannish life, but - I really don't think that's how B5 fandom spent its time, back in the day, or spends its time now.

(Every time I feel like growling "a pox on romance and our cultural obsession with it that poisons storylines and fannish discourse", though, I remind myself that I'm not immune, that there are romances both textual and subtextual I was/am rooting for and enjoy(ed), and that some of these are probably just as annoying or incomprehensible in their attraction to other people.)

(I will say that I remain eternally grateful Londo was not played by a hot young actor but the divine and decidedly middle aged, plumb and not at all pretty Peter Jurasik. It meant the "omg why so mean to the hottie!?!? Death score what death score?!? Must pair him with *insert character also played by young and attractive actor*!!" crowd stayed away from what is still my favourite fall and redemption storyline on tv.)

****

With two movies about to be released and a third finished with an uncertain release date, Joss Whedon seems to get interviewed basically everywhere you turn. Now love him, hate him or remain utterly indifferent, but one advantage the man has is being eminently quotable (not many writers who can write witty dialogue are also able to make it up on the spot, so I'm suitably impressed). My favourite quote from the current crop of interviews is probably:

Q: You've been said to encourage fanfiction. How do you feel about scholarship about your work and the fact that academics tend to delve quite deeply into it, perhaps to the point of publishing interpretations you did not intend?

A: All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn't your pet -- it's your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.

He's always been consistent about this, which makes the "Let's take *character X*/*show universe Y* from the evil/incompetent Whedon" or "Joss needs to learn fannish interpretation is so superior" posts feel a bit like teenagers casting themselves as daring and rebellious when their parents, far from forbidding them to go out, are in fact encouraging them to stay up until dawn and make their own experiences. It's not something inherent or original to Whedonverse fandoms, of course, but something I've observed everywhere, though not every creator or people-in-charge-of-fannish-source-copyrights are as laid back about fannish discourse. And nothing feeds the fannish sense of outraged moral superiority so much as a creator/author/person-in-charge-of-copyright who gets possessive/protective of their characters (and extremer cases is silly enough to get into arguments with reviewers on message boards, looking at you, Aaron Sorkin). They are the man, we are the true, far better artists and interpreters of *insert character/fannish source*, and, that golden stalwart of posts, "should just shut up".

****

Speaking of interactions between fannish interpretations and their source, in the last few days a tumblr containing hilarious fictional Hillary Clinton texts has been linked all over the internet. With the results that Hillary Clinton saw it as well, made a submission of her own and invited the two fan creators to meet her. Which they did. It occurs to me that if the online media are anything to go buy (always a qualified if), Hillary in the years of the Obama presidency has ended up as the most popular (living) Democrat politician. Which I don't think would have happened had she won the primaries and become President (not least because a sitting President even in a best case scenario is bound to disappoint some expectations of their electorate), but there it is. Not a bad note to go out on, if she really retires after her current term.

5 fandom-related things you are thankful for. 
(Feel free to interpret this however you wish: thankful for a sequel, thankful for no sequel, thankful for a kink meme, thankful character X got a good death, thankful actor Z is going to be in QRS, etc.)

My pleasure. Let's see:

1.) Being Human, season 3.  After feeling so-so about season 1 and being so infuriated by a lot of s2 I was not sure whether or not to continue, season 3 proved to be as amazing an example of unjumping the shark/growing the beard as they come. Consequences got served, relentlessly. Characters I had lost sympathy for regained them (with one exception, and that was part of the seasonal point), characters I already loved were even more awesome while still remaining capable of their own mistakes. In short, season 3 rocked.  And before you ask, yes, I know about the other casting spoiler, and that's regrettable, but we'll always have the amazing season 3.

2. Raven/Mystique in X-Men: First Class. Actually, I'm grateful for the whole film, which despite the flaws revitalized not just my own enthusiasm for the movieverse, but what I'm more grateful for than for any other aspect is Raven,  not least because as opposed to the Charles/Erik slashiness, her part in XMFC was something I had not expected, so from the moment the trailers indicated she would have a major role and that she and Charles met each other as children, I  never stopped being pleasantly surprised.  Not only did her role here took the bad taste out of my mouth her treatment in X3 had left, but the whole finding herself arc plus the sibling relationship with Charles hit several of my favourite narrative kinks. Lastly: the fact she didn't just name herself but Erik and Charles as well will never not make me happy.

3.)  Ficathons, their organizers and participants, not limited to but exemplified by Remix and Yuletide. Without them, a lot of the fannish joy and interaction would be missing, not to mention personal challenges to me as a writer, and I really, really appreciate them.

4.) The Borgias. Thank you, Neil Jordan. It was everything I hoped it would be, full of Renaissance atmosphere, with great performances and beautiful cinematography, using its ensemble instead of wasting it, and above all, had interesting female characters with interesting relationships to each other, not just the men in their lives. 

5.) Feedback even on old stories.  No matter whether it's a short "great story", or a lengthy analysis, I'm pleased as punch everytime someone leaves a comment on one of my stories. ( Excepting the occasional "why did you make William gay?" weirdness.)  It's something specific to the internet age and fannish interaction that I treasure, and when it happens to old stories, it also evokes the glow of nostalgia to boot.

In order of watching/reading, not in order of precedence:

( Vague spoilers for BSG, Lost, Heroes, Dr. Who, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribean, The Prestige )

I blame you, various people on my flist, for making various fun posts about kisses and slashy moments in movies and on tv. You know who you are. How could I not join in? However, just to make things difficult for myself, there shall be no kissing listed. Instead, I'll go for moments managing to convey hot/tender/teasing/category of choice emotions sans liplock. For both het and slash couples. (Romantic and/or sexual couples (or couples with subtext), because if I start to list friendship sans subtext or family love moments, I'll never stop.)

"I want you, I want you so bad":

- Scorpius on top of John in Wolf in Sheep's Clothing II (third season of Farscape) tying with John drinking Scorpius' blood in Prayer (fourth season); naturally, both situations were Scorpius' idea, but John, post-modern geek that he is, isn't oblivious to the implications (see also: each and every comment he makes in that type of situation)

- Buffy and Faith dancing, in Bad Girls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer; popular choice, but it never gets old. Arguably the hottest f/f moment on BTVS, despite Willow being the one who gets the on-screen smoochings with other girls. Long before Spike gave Buffy his speech behind the Bronze and long before Stephen Moffat penned The Doctor Dances, here was dancing used as a clear metaphor, and boy, it worked.

- Basically every encounter between Jack Bristow and Irina Derevko in season 2 of Alias before that UST gets RST, but if I have to pick one, that moment in Passage part I, when Irina, err, changes costumes. andrastewhite once summed up the subtext of her and Jack's interaction during that scene like this: Jack: You are an evil woman who broke my heart and is going to steal my daughter.
Irina: Yes, but you still want me, right?
Jack: How pathetic do you think I am?
Irina: *removes clothes*
Jack: ....
Irina: What I thought.

- The Orgasmic Feeding Scene (tm) from Graduation Day II, BTVS: my own pick for sexiest scene between Buffy and Angel. (I'm absolutely 'shipping neutral and enjoy Buffy with Angel, Spike, yes, Riley, too, and as mentioned above, Faith.) The only reason why I'm hesitating to put it here is that it's actually more consummation than wanting, as opposed to the other scenes, but technically, they don't have sex here, and there is no kissing.

- "God doesn't want you, but I still do." Still my favourite line spoken on Angel throughout five entire seasons, and the moment that sold me on Darla/Angel as a pairing. It's just such a raw moment, after both of them have managed to eviscerate each other emotionally (Angel by telling Darla she never made him happy, Darla by demonstrating rather effectively he's kidding himself about the darkness), and it never fails to make me go "guh".

Fun and Games

Because it's not all about the seriousness. Playful moments work very much for me.

- after hearing one more Methosian one liner, Duncan, busy painting his veranda, paints Methos' nose with a quick gesture, in Chivalry (Highlander: the Series). Strangely enough, it was this and not the more tension-ridden moment later in the episode where they spar that sold the pairing to me. It's a teasing between friends which of course you can read as absolutely platonic, but the very relaxedness and casualness of the gesture makes it so appealing to me.

- Aeryn tells John he's not the only one who had fun in another body, at the end of Out of their Minds (Farscape), and he just grins and chases after her. It's mostly this scene that makes me believe John and Aeryn had sex for most of season 2, because it isn't about UST, it's very much an established couple thing. Also a rare moment of playfulness in the drama (and for one entire season, to wit, four, alas, melodrama) of John and Aeryn. As a non-shipper, this is one of my favourite scenes about them as a couple.

- "Especially the lies." Garak tells Bashir what is true about him at the end of The Wire, and Bashir, with a roll of his eyes, smiles, shrugs, accepts that he won't get answers any time soon and has another lunch with him. "Having lunch" is the DS9 variation of "dancing" when it comes to Garak/Bashir, you know.

- Emily and Arvin Sloane go through a series of names in the second flashback from In Dreams (Alias). In context, it's sad, because the child they're picking the names for will never live, and Emily herself is dead by the time we see this scene, but taken on its own, it's playful and lighthearted and very tender as Arvin teases her by going through a series of Italian town names before settling on "Jaquelyn". It also sums up why this marriage worked for decades despite her being the quintessential nice woman and him being an Evil Overlord who once had an affair with his best friends' wife: these two people adored each other, and she brought out the best in him.

- "Does that make me some kind of deviant?" Aka William, meet Angelus, in the first flashback of Destiny, AtS. Dru brings home the new boytoy, and Daddy likes it so much he starts to play immediately. That little hand holding demonstration sets up the entire Spike/Angel relationship.

"I love you"
Without saying these three words, and going for the heartbreak effect.

- "Did you betray me?" "Avon." Yep, the big climax of the very final episode of Blake's 7, and if anyone has an explanation for Avon's behaviour that does not involve being in love/hate with Blake, I haven't heard it yet. Shot!Blake's behaviour as he makes his way to Avon, just says his name and dies in a last embrace clutching Avon is a tad difficult to figure out without that, too. Ah, Chris Boucher with your fondness for Westerns, you watched Duel in the Sun one time too often.

- Emily shows Arvin she's wired and the CIA has been listening, in Truth Takes Time, s2 of Alias. Then you have a moment where you wonder: will he strangle her? At least be angry and yell or something? But instead, he swallows, then asks her to come with him one last time. I can't help myself, I cry each time I see that. Despite some disgruntlement with late s5, I shall always be grateful JJ made long term relationships between middle aged people so important and moving in this show, and this scene does more for me than any of the Syd/Vaughn drama.

- "You were enemies. Why would you care about what happened to her?" "Because you do." (Wesley and Angel talk about Lilah in late s4.). As opposed to the majority of the fandom, I started out AtS liking Wesley more than Angel and ended it liking Angel more than Wesley (as opposed to the other way around, which seems to be the usual reaction), but either way, the relationship between them, through Wesley's early adoration ("I am your faithful servant, Angel" would be the Wesleyan equivalent to Spike's "you know you've got a willing slave") to disillusionment and anger to renewed friendship to betrayal to rescuing to patched up relationship to that last look exchanged in NFA, before Wesley goes off to Veil, has always been one of the most important of the show to me. While I think you can't argue that Wesley loves Angel (however you want to define that love), it's more difficult to pin down what Angel feels, which is this particular moment is so important for me. It's not just Angel getting Wes/Lilah before anyone else (including Wesley, who needs til "Home" to express what he feels for her) does, or Angel offering comfort, or Angel expressing wish for reconciliation in a better way than in Ground State earlier that season, but all of it together. To wit: no, I don't think Angel ever got completely over the kidnapping (because of what that did to Connor), but this was his way of telling Wesley he loved him anyway.

- and on the people telling Wes they love him note, I would nominate Illyria, except she actually does say the words, even though in Fred guise because he wouldn't accept them otherwise, so, instead: "But it means a lot that you tried," Lilah in Home. You know, at the time I of course hoped Lilah would be back for s5, but in retrospect, it worked for me that she wasn't, because that was the perfect final scene between them, moving without being sentimental, and would have been hard to top.

- Aeryn takes leave of Crais in Farscape's Wolf in Sheep's Clothing, part II, pressing her hand to his cheek. Crais and Aeryn did a couple of terrible things to each other (he originally kicked her out of the Peacekeepers, she put him through the Aurora Chair), and due to taking a very similar path (being consumate PKs, leaving the Peacekeepers which nonetheless formed a part of who they were), understood each other a little better than most characters. They also shared a child, Talyn, in every way that counts. He probably loved her in a way she could not love him (being in love with John even during those times when the later was dead and/or unavailable), but she did feel something, and while neither of them said the words, that was the moment when they both expressed it. I get misty-eyed each time.

- "My people can never forgive your people. You understand that?" "Yes." "But I can forgive you." Come on. How can I not? Londo and G'Kar in The Fall of Centauri Prime, aka The Best Scene Ever. Pay-off for five years of an amazing relationship going from political enmity plus bickering through genuine hate to necessary alliance to friendship to - well, hard to call it anything else, is it? Love.


Bonus category: I don't really slash them, but there was this moment of "huh"/"hm"....

I. Everything Jack 'n Arvin, plain and simple. And the "I don't really slash them" is only meant in the sense of "I never wrote a fanfic with them having sex". (Because I do eagerly read what few stories by admirable authors manage to pull this off.) I mostly blame this on Victor Garber's acting prowess by making Jack Bristow the straightest man on tv. Anyway, those on screen canon moments where even Jack's straighter-than-straight vibe could not stop the "hmmm":

- "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do to you what I did to my wife." And he drags him into the men's room and pushes him against the tiles to have that conversation. Clearly, Jack has never read a single bit of fanfic, or he would have recognized the set-up.

- having gained an additional layer these days: the boys after Jack nearly killed Arvin in s3:

JACK: I wanted to speak with you regarding the Lisenker defection. Any word on how the Covenant is taking it?

SLOANE: Tell me, Jack, is that why you came to see me?

JACK: About last week... it was a matter of circumstance, Arvin. Whether I would have gone through with it...

SLOANE: Oh, you would've. I would've.

JACK: Perhaps.

SLOANE: And now you feel guilty. Well don't bother, Jack. Sydney's life was at stake. How can I blame a man for doing whatever he can to save his daughter's life?

And they exchange a looooong look.

II. "Don't disappoint Daddy". Aka that scene with Connor and Angelus in Soulless. Which has BadWrong vibes, sorry, but it has. Usually, I'm a bit annoyed by fanfic tendency to see intense emotional relationships in a family context as incesteous (because all intensity must signify sex... right), and I don't think Angel, with soul, would ever, or would even want to, but reduced to Angelus? Well. Let's just say I don't think he'd have killed Connor if Cordy hadn't shown up and Connor had actually gone into the cage.

From penknife (who chose Star Trek) and kangeiko, who picked Babylon 5. It was a bit difficult to choose, because on the one hand, Star Trek was my first fandom (watched TOS, watched the movies, watched TNG and DS9, watched Voyager, was in passionate love with TNG and DS9 and attended conventions), but on the other, it wasn't the first fandom I wrote fanfiction for, joined forums or mailing lists, or participated in via the internet. That, somewhat later, was Highlander. (In the meantime, I had also fallen passionately for B5, but I didn't dare to write for B5 until only two years ago; I also read a lot of ST tie ins and some fanzines back then, but didn't write until two years ago, either). So, HL it is for full-fledged fannnishness.

1) Tv shows based on movies can actually be good, and more interesting than their source, especially if they make it beyond their mixed first season

I had watched the movie Highlander, mostly because Sean Connery was in it, and had been mildly fond of it. Watched the premiere of the series mostly because I had nothing better to do, wasn't bored but not impressed enough to stick around, either (the only other first season episode I saw the first time around was the Joan Jett one, which wasn't that great), but then tuned in again during the second season, saw Studies in Light and went, hmmmm. Maybe I'll keep watching.

2) Morally ambiguous characters capture the majority of fannish hearts, which on the one hand is nifty because it gets a lot of fanfic written for you to read, but on the other makes you realize the majority of same proceeds to whitewash said morally ambiguous character into a Misunderstood Woobie (tm)

Like many a fan, I felll for Methos when he showed up in season 3. Didn't get online until season 5, though. Once I had internet access and found all those archives, I naturally looked for Methos fanfic and pretty much read everything there was in those early days. And after a while... let's just say I noticed a certain pattern. This was the year of the Comes a Horseman two parter, which meant the majority of fanfic followed the following pattern: 1) Methos has teary breakdown. 2) Joe, Amanda or Mary Sue lecture MacLeod on how utterly mean and judgmental he has been on poor Methos. 3) Duncan repents and confesses he was completely in the wrong. In between revelations that Methos hadn't really raped Cassandra but had been the nicest master ever to the ungrateful woman, and an appearance by Cass in psychotic serial killer mode so she can get beheaded by either Duncan or Methos and not disturb their future bliss through their existence anymore were optional. Which leads me to:

3) Any female character who shows hostility, anger or contempt towards an object of fannish lust has a good chance of earning hatred from the majority of the fans; if she has a genuine reason to wish the object of fannish lust dead, this is pretty much a done deal.

In those early days, the Cassandra hatred was indeed spectacular, and when she showed up in a fanfic, you could pretty much count on the fact she'd be characterized as totally insane, torturing and killing innocents left and right and of course torturing Methos so whoever killed her in the story could feel really really good about killing her. Never mind that the only people this woman in the episodes that produced this wrath was trying to get killed were the four guys who had annihilated her tribe and subjected her to torture and rape as a by product of a millennium of, as Methos put it, "angry adolescence". Never mind she actually did let Methos go when MacLeod asked her to. This phenomenon more and more disturbed me. However, it also led to lesson 4.

4) If something in fanfiction annoys you, don't waste time bitching about it; do it better.

Up to that point, I had written one Joe Dawson story dealing his reaction to discovering Methos' true identity, and one Alexa (= sweet girl Methos was in love with, died early) story. Both were short. My above named disquiet led me to write one lengthy plotty story about Cassandra and Methos called "Incubus", set between seasons 5 and 6, which led to a trilogy. And then a short story about Cassandra and Methos back in the Horsemen days called "Death and the Maiden" which was the darkest thing I had written up to that point, bar none, and even all those years later, I think it's one of my best stories. (Save for something I co-wrote with a friend, it also was my last in HL fandom, not because I grew out of love with the HLverse but because I had said pretty much all I had to say in fanfiction.) It made honorh write me her third feedback mail, and we've been friends ever since, which brings me to lesson 5.

5) "We are the champions, my friends..." (imagine this sung by Freddie Mercury, to go with the HL theme, please).

Though I had attended ST conventions, HL internet fandom was where I made my first enduring friends based on shared interests, debates, writing, joking, the entire enchilada. The first time I experienced fannish generosity and enthusiasm for sharing - Blake's 7 and Buffy The Vampire Slayer were both shows I discovered because fellow HL fans had pointed me towards them. (I in turn could convert bimo to B7 and honorh to Buffy later.) All these years later, this seems to me still be one of the best things about any fandom: the impulse to share the delight and stimulation you take from something with others.